Many of us start the year anew with Resolutions. I myself had two that where going to be a part of my new year new me motto. The first as I suspect many a woman resolves was to get healthier. I figure if I say get healthier I won't be so depressed when I don't lose weight too fast. The second of the motto's was to focus on me and reaching some life goals. My first step at that was to enroll in college and finally begin my goal of attaining my Bachelor's degree.
Focusing on life goals though has lead me to realize that I need to cleanse myself of some old things that are heavy on my soul. Sort of a way to prepare myself for a new start. As one Disney character said "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it." The difficulty in learning from something is that you have to accept your own flaws and faults in order to do that. Most people who know me, know I'm not very good at that part of the lesson learning. I try to fight it, blame it on someone else or just plain ignor it. I can't even imagine how many lessons I didn't learn by not following that step.
I'm an angry person. People often tell me it is because I feel so deeply with my heart. I tend to run the gammit on emotions and I can honestly say that I hold anger at things that probably don't deserve it. I don't do well with people who seems ignorant, arrogant or snotty. I am quick to cut people out for the littlest infraction. I use to think it was because I liked to keep a distance from others so I couldn't be hurt but I think it honestly is because I don't see much good in the world and I hate what I know others must feel.
In my anger I have become angry at God. This to me is my greatest sadness. I have lost faith in prayer. I don't believe that it actually works. For the better part of two years I have prayed for many a thing and I can say that they have failed to be answered. When things fail to come to light I hear the same old "god has a plan." or "god doesn't give you more than you can handle." Inside I am thinking I don't like god's plan and he may not give me more than I can handle but he sure has given me enough to cripple me. Lately I find myself unable to pray. Not so much from lack of prayers to send up but I once heard that the definition of stupidity was to continue to do something that you know doesn't work. Well I'm starting to feel like praying is that to me, something that just doesn't work.
Leading into that I am a quirky combo of an optimistic person that becomes easily depressed. I want so bad to see the beauty of the world. I believe that good people should be rewarded for good deeds and when it doesn't happen I become depressed because of it. I believe that families and children should not be split because of artifically situations. I believe that good fortune should belong to those that have fought a hard battle and made it through.
I believe that the true test of a friend is someone who lets you hold their hand in your darkest moments and ask you to do the same for them. I have come to realize that many people in this world don't do the same thing. Why is it that people say "How are you?" and don't even care to listen to a response? Why is it we walk around and pretend all is ok and don't let others know how much we are hurting inside? Is it really gonna help one heal by not acknowledging it.
So as I close this portion of my cleansing down I realize that I have many flaws that I need to work on. Some of you will disagree with my choice of how to work on it and I know many of you will probably pray for me or something similar to that. I appreciate all of you just thinking about me. That leads me to know that you are willing to hold my hand in the darkest moments. Thank you!
